Celebs are doing it so it's only fitting that we can too...
Our next question comes from a cheating husband who wonders if an open relationship can save his marriage.
Question:
I saw your posting and thought I would take a chance. I have asked family and friends for advice but each it bias.
My wife and I have been married 15 years and together for 17. We have two children 14 and 11. I owned my own companies for 14 years. From 2008-2010 my second business was failing mizerably and my wife had to go back to work after being a stay at home mom for 5 years. Finally the business was foreclosed on and I had to file bankruptcy. 3 months later I was able to land a job that requires me to travel, but still in the same industry.
In the last 6 years of our marriage my wife has caught me in affairs 3times. The most recent was in May 2011. The next day she had mentioned an open marriage. I had to go back out of town for a week and when I came back she wanted a divorce. Since then I have been in therapy for sexual addiction and depression. Recently I have found out that my wife has been having an affair for just over a year with a co-worker who is also married.
My question is 2 parts. Do you believe there is a way to win my wife back, and if so what are your recommendations? If not do you think it is my place to inform the other wife of her husbands indescretions?
If you should need any further information I would be open to answering any questions.
Answer:
Your question was answered by the Bloggaffair team & has received 2 responses:
1st response:
Dear 17 years, 2 kids and countless affairs,
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, pump your breaks before you crash and burn.
I would like to address the second question first. Absolutely in no way should you inform the other wife of her husband’s indiscretions. As someone who has had an affair or two, or three, or four, himself I am shocked that this even crossed your mind.
Reason number one: It is not your place.
Number two: You are only going to cause more hurt for everyone involved.
Number three: Women’s intuition is all a woman needs. Your wife didn’t have a problem catching you, did she? The wife will figure it out on her own, if she doesn’t already know. Number four: Your motives are wrong. If you tell, I guarantee you it will backfire.
Number five: You never know how the other wife will react. People do not play when it comes to marriage, cheating, and vows. She could seek revenge on your wife. Husband and wives have killed over infidelity, and I hope you don’t want that.
With that being said your focus should be on your family. I assume that is what is important to you because you are writing asking for help. Do you love your wife? Do you love kids? Do you protect yourself? I hope the answer to all of these is yes. If you do not protect yourself while you are cheating then I have to say I do not think you deserve your wife, family or another chance because if you don’t, not only do you not respect your wife, but you don’t respect yourself.
Family and friends may give good advice but as you said it will always be bias. Stop telling them your business.
You said, “In the last 6 years of our marriage my wife has caught me in affairs 3times.”
Which means, there probably were more, you just didn’t get caught. I am not sure why you feel the need to cheat or why you are trying to hold on to this marriage but these are things you seriously need to sit down and consider. Sometimes it’s ok to walk away and start a new relationship. But if you do not address your issues these same problems will follow you to the next relationship.
If you do want to make it work, I would suggest asking your wife if she is still open to an open relationship, as I have to say, I do not think you will stop cheating. You got caught three times and still kept cheating. On top of your cheating, now she has stepped outside of the relationship as well. Both of you have already opened dangerous doors letting others into your relationship. Can you trust her again? Can she trust you?
If an open relationship is still a possibility go for it, however, an open relationship is not going to work if you all are unhappy with each other. The only way I see that working is if both people are not jealous and they love each other enough to say, I do not want to put boundaries on you. It seems that you both want an open relationship just so you are not breaking up the family but can still sleep around. I am not sure what but there is obviously a deeper problem in this relationship that needs to be addressed before it can go in any direction. There is a quote I read on Daily Gossip given by recording artist Trey Songs about his take on open relationships,
“When I settle down and meet that one I don’t even think that’s a conversation I could have about what her and I understanding would be,” he says. “That’s based on who she is and what she’s with. Were about to do everything together baby. We’ll talk about it and if that’s something she’s open to then I might be open to it. If she’s not then were not doing it. It’s all about who you fall in love with.”
The importance of this quote is the last sentence. “It’s all about who you fall in love with.” You know your wife better than I. Who did you fall in love with? Will and open relationship really work with her? Be realistic with your expectations.
I have to say that I find you extremely selfish. I am not 100 percent, but from your letter you seem like you want your wife to yourself, while you do whatever you want. What other reason would you want to tell the other wife? You cannot be selfish in relationships; it is suppose to be a give and take, a partnership.
Why are you depressed? You knew what you were doing when you did it? Stop feeling guilty for yourself and get it together and try and rebuild with your wife if that’s what you want. I am sure that you would have to go to extreme measure to get her back at this point but if it’s worth it, that is my suggestion. Prepare yourself that she may not want to be with you at this point, but it you want it I say do back flips if you have to!
Stay focused on what you can do better and not what she is doing. I am all for families being together and I hope that you guys can work it out. Don’t add anymore hurt to your wife and kids. If she does not agree to an open marriage then it may be best to walk away if you cannot be faithful.
It seems like you all have been together since you were young, people change, I am sure you all are not the same people when you met each other. Both have to want it just as bad as the other person. You and your wife need to sit down and talk asap.
Lucee Lit
2nd response:
Dear Mr. Too Late,
The situation you are in is too much to ask numerous family and friends. At most, you should have only asked two people! Do not go around asking too many people for advice on such a personal problem. The last thing your wife needs is everyone knowing how much of a douche bag you are. Not matter how fucked up a marriage, women will hide the truth at all costs. Women feel like a failure when a marriage ends no matter who’s at fault.
I noticed you said your wife has caught you 3 times, clearly indicating you have cheated on her countless times.
You have ruined your family and there is no way to get it back. Even if she does not follow through with the divorce it will never be the same and the chances of her forgiving you is highly unlikely. This woman has been your wife for 15 years, had your children, was a homemaker (which sucks!) and was there through your bankruptcy and you show her the ultimate disrespect by having multiple affairs. You will never have the love of your wife again and I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Hypersexuality is a life-altering situation and it ruins lives, as you have demonstrated and I am glad you are getting help. This help will only benefit you in future relationships because your marriage is over.
I can almost tell you what your wife is thinking. She suggested an open marriage thinking she did not want to be a failure, file for divorce, and tear her family apart. In addition, her lover is whispering sweet nothings in her hear telling her he would never treat her that way. In reality he is no better then you because he also has a wife. After contemplating this while you were away, she could not stop imaging you with yet another woman and she could not take it any longer. She talked to a close friend and that friend told her she deserved better. That friend also told her she needed to set an example for her kids. If you have girls, she is thinking I do not want my daughters to think this type behavior is appropriate. If you have boys, she is thinking I would never want them to grow up thinking its okay to treat women this way. Your children are unaware of the logistics between you and your wife but they have seen their mother cry, they have heard her crying to friends and they know the hurt stems from their father. Look at what you have done…
On top of your outrageous and selfish behavior, you feel the need to inform the other wife of her husband cheating? You have some giant balls to think it is your place. You may have convinced yourself that you are only trying to help but that is not your true motive. You are demonstrating clear narcissistic behavior, you believe after years of mistreating your family you can get counseling and win your wife back. You also think being such a nice person (which you clearly are not); you will save the other wife from heartache. You selfish bastard! Leave that marriage alone and let your wife go.
If you ever really loved her, you want her to be happy and you must realize she will never be happy with you again, let her go and find her happiness. That is the only loving thing left you can do for her.
Lady E
Thank you for your question,
Best of Luck,
Hope this helps !
The Bloggaffair Team
