Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Matters of the Heart...
Psychoatrist by Lucee Lit
“’Rain has a scary way of bringing eternal tears, for even when the rain stops, my tears continue to fall.’ That’s Isabel Freidleve. Have you ever heard of her doc? ” I flopped down on the overstuffed couch in his office.
Dr. Realm sat across from me in his common-sense chair like he did every Wednesday for the past year, pen in his mouth, right leg crossed over the left, and his sea blue eyes looking through to my soul. “Yes,” he said. “That’s one of her most famous quotes. But it’s not raining today. What made you think of that?”
“In my mind it rains every day.” I glanced towards the window wondering why I continued to come here. It had been over a year since my cousin was murdered and over a year since I was able to deal with life, work, be a mother, or be a wife.
I heard him shuffle through the pages of a notebook. “Why do you think you blame yourself?”
Focusing on an outstretched red bird that perched itself on the window seal I replied, “She called me a week before she was murdered, but I was too busy with life.” I laughed in order to not cry. “Life. Some things seem so pointless, you know? What’s the point?” The bird flew away. “She said she really wanted to talk to me and I told her I had to call her back. Only the day I called her back. The bird returned. It cocked it head to the side, and chirped. “It was too late.”
Dr. Realm adjusted his body in his chair placing his hand on his chin like all educated people do when they feel they have come up with something profound. “I want to try something new today.” I directed my eyes to him but my attention passed him.
“What do you think about hypnoses?” Before I could answer he continued, “If it works the way I think it will. I believe we will get a break through.”
I looked in those blue eyes searching for sincerity, “Whatever works doc.”
The tone in his voice changed. He sounded like a man who had found his lost puppy. “Let’s get to it then! The purpose of this exercise is to get you to relax. I want to have you enter a state of intense concentration. If you can do that we will be able to get to the root of your inner conflict. Close your eyes.”
I did after glancing over to see if the bird, a cardinal? I think a cardinal. Yes a cardinal, was still there. It was gone.
“I want you to imagine being in a happy place, anyplace that you can go to in your mind where there is peace. Imagine a place of comfort, security, and ease. Try and picture yourself relaxing in a meadow beside a gentle stream. Envision the flow of the water and listen to the voice of the stream. Let your feet relax. Feel your legs relaxing, your hips, your chest, your shoulders, relaxed.”
Dr. Realm’s voice was low and soothing. The tension began to leave my body. “Now, as you feel yourself relaxing a heavy feeling will come over you. With every word you hear under the sound of my voice you fall into a deeper and faster relaxed state, deeper and faster, deeper and faster, deeper, faster, peaceful. Lose yourself with every word that I utter; as my voice gets lower fall into a deep sleep. Allow your conscious to shut down, and surrender. Imagine yourself flowing with the gentle stream and shutting down. Flowing, and shutting down, flowing and completely s...h...u...t...t...i...n...g down. And the deeper you go the more you surrender, the deeper you are able to go the more at peace you feel with you and your world. And the more you surrender the safer your feel until you feel a state a complete bliss. Now sleep.”
I did.
“I want you to focus on the day you found out. I need you to dig deep and give me as much detail as possible.”
My body betrayed me. I could hear my voice but could not control my words. “That morning was the day of the biggest tornado that the tri-cities had ever seen. It was as if God himself was distraught by what had happened and sent his wrath down to earth. I was awakened by my husband’s voice calling my name.”
“Dee Dee!” he called me, as he always did, never by my full name. “Telephone.” His voice was deep, strong, and detached.
“I can hear the voice on the other end. The pain in her voice was alarming but it did not prepare me for the words her mouth would speak. My aunt’s voice slow and raspy said, “You know ….You know,” she sobbed, “Gia…..Gia was killed last night.”
I dropped to my knees in disbelief. I heard screaming. The room spun. It was so loud, so disturbingly loud. I cringed, grabbing my ears, and then I realized that it was me. My body tensed and I become a silent reflector.
In a calm serene voice, I hear the good doctor. “Take me to the place of guilt. How does it feel in that space?”
“I feel anger, regret, betrayed and depressed.”
“That’s good. Why anger?” said Dr. Realm still remaining calm, his voice now almost monotone.
“I found out that she was sleeping with my husband. We were so close. Or at least I thought we were.” Briefly I think upon the bird. What I would give now to be able to fly away. “I overheard a conversation between them. She told my husband that he had to make a choice.”
“Do you love me?” Her voice was saccharine and affectionate. “Then let us be together.”
His voice was feeble like an infant unsure of their ability to walk. “Yes. Let’s.”
“He chose her, and she said she would tell me that night. I knew what the phone call was about but I was adamant that I would not lose my husband like that so I told her I was busy.”
“What happened?”
“I hung up and acted as if I knew nothing. My brain was a tornado. My heart burned like the pits of hell and I saw flames, beautiful red flames that called to me and lured me closer to the fire.”
“What did you do to suppress the anger?”
I did not know. “A week later my husband and I had an argument. He said the house wasn’t clean enough; he left and said he would be back later. The house was immaculate. Everything was in its place. Elegantly hung pictures and frames, fresh vacuum marks and the most magnificent, invigorating smell of pine sol still lingered in the air. I thought he was going to see her and I couldn’t take it. I decided I would beat him to her house. When I turned on her street she was pulling out of the driveway. I assumed she was going to meet him but she didn’t. She went to her boyfriend’s. Again there was flames of fire. I pulled my gun from under the seat and fired. I shot her. I waited until she was walking to her car and I shot her, six times I shot her and she fell to the ground and I drove off.”
Energy is funny. I mean, the way it flows is strange. You can sense emotions of people even without looking at them. I felt Dr. Realm’s energy. His fear penetrated through my body awakening my senses. “It is now time to leave your hypnotic state.” Dr. Realm’s voice cracked. I am going to count backwards from five to one. You will feel more alert and present with each number I say. You will become aware of your senses.”
But I already was.
Five, four, you are aware of your hands and feet, three, you are more alert, two, you are re-emerging and one, your eyes are open and you are fully present. How do you feel?”
I was speechless.
Dr. Realm raised his eyebrows. His tone became higher just before the end of his sentence, “Do you remember everything you told me?”
I put my hand over my mouth in revulsion and wept for myself. “No. It can’t be true! God. No. No.”
Dr. Realm sat across from me in his common-sense chair like he did every Wednesday for the past year, pen in his mouth, right leg crossed over the left, and his sea blue eyes looking through to my soul. “Yes,” he said. “That’s one of her most famous quotes. But it’s not raining today. What made you think of that?”
“In my mind it rains every day.” I glanced towards the window wondering why I continued to come here. It had been over a year since my cousin was murdered and over a year since I was able to deal with life, work, be a mother, or be a wife.
I heard him shuffle through the pages of a notebook. “Why do you think you blame yourself?”
Focusing on an outstretched red bird that perched itself on the window seal I replied, “She called me a week before she was murdered, but I was too busy with life.” I laughed in order to not cry. “Life. Some things seem so pointless, you know? What’s the point?” The bird flew away. “She said she really wanted to talk to me and I told her I had to call her back. Only the day I called her back. The bird returned. It cocked it head to the side, and chirped. “It was too late.”
Dr. Realm adjusted his body in his chair placing his hand on his chin like all educated people do when they feel they have come up with something profound. “I want to try something new today.” I directed my eyes to him but my attention passed him.
“What do you think about hypnoses?” Before I could answer he continued, “If it works the way I think it will. I believe we will get a break through.”
I looked in those blue eyes searching for sincerity, “Whatever works doc.”
The tone in his voice changed. He sounded like a man who had found his lost puppy. “Let’s get to it then! The purpose of this exercise is to get you to relax. I want to have you enter a state of intense concentration. If you can do that we will be able to get to the root of your inner conflict. Close your eyes.”
I did after glancing over to see if the bird, a cardinal? I think a cardinal. Yes a cardinal, was still there. It was gone.
“I want you to imagine being in a happy place, anyplace that you can go to in your mind where there is peace. Imagine a place of comfort, security, and ease. Try and picture yourself relaxing in a meadow beside a gentle stream. Envision the flow of the water and listen to the voice of the stream. Let your feet relax. Feel your legs relaxing, your hips, your chest, your shoulders, relaxed.”
Dr. Realm’s voice was low and soothing. The tension began to leave my body. “Now, as you feel yourself relaxing a heavy feeling will come over you. With every word you hear under the sound of my voice you fall into a deeper and faster relaxed state, deeper and faster, deeper and faster, deeper, faster, peaceful. Lose yourself with every word that I utter; as my voice gets lower fall into a deep sleep. Allow your conscious to shut down, and surrender. Imagine yourself flowing with the gentle stream and shutting down. Flowing, and shutting down, flowing and completely s...h...u...t...t...i...n...g down. And the deeper you go the more you surrender, the deeper you are able to go the more at peace you feel with you and your world. And the more you surrender the safer your feel until you feel a state a complete bliss. Now sleep.”
I did.
“I want you to focus on the day you found out. I need you to dig deep and give me as much detail as possible.”
My body betrayed me. I could hear my voice but could not control my words. “That morning was the day of the biggest tornado that the tri-cities had ever seen. It was as if God himself was distraught by what had happened and sent his wrath down to earth. I was awakened by my husband’s voice calling my name.”
“Dee Dee!” he called me, as he always did, never by my full name. “Telephone.” His voice was deep, strong, and detached.
“I can hear the voice on the other end. The pain in her voice was alarming but it did not prepare me for the words her mouth would speak. My aunt’s voice slow and raspy said, “You know ….You know,” she sobbed, “Gia…..Gia was killed last night.”
I dropped to my knees in disbelief. I heard screaming. The room spun. It was so loud, so disturbingly loud. I cringed, grabbing my ears, and then I realized that it was me. My body tensed and I become a silent reflector.
In a calm serene voice, I hear the good doctor. “Take me to the place of guilt. How does it feel in that space?”
“I feel anger, regret, betrayed and depressed.”
“That’s good. Why anger?” said Dr. Realm still remaining calm, his voice now almost monotone.
“I found out that she was sleeping with my husband. We were so close. Or at least I thought we were.” Briefly I think upon the bird. What I would give now to be able to fly away. “I overheard a conversation between them. She told my husband that he had to make a choice.”
“Do you love me?” Her voice was saccharine and affectionate. “Then let us be together.”
His voice was feeble like an infant unsure of their ability to walk. “Yes. Let’s.”
“He chose her, and she said she would tell me that night. I knew what the phone call was about but I was adamant that I would not lose my husband like that so I told her I was busy.”
“What happened?”
“I hung up and acted as if I knew nothing. My brain was a tornado. My heart burned like the pits of hell and I saw flames, beautiful red flames that called to me and lured me closer to the fire.”
“What did you do to suppress the anger?”
I did not know. “A week later my husband and I had an argument. He said the house wasn’t clean enough; he left and said he would be back later. The house was immaculate. Everything was in its place. Elegantly hung pictures and frames, fresh vacuum marks and the most magnificent, invigorating smell of pine sol still lingered in the air. I thought he was going to see her and I couldn’t take it. I decided I would beat him to her house. When I turned on her street she was pulling out of the driveway. I assumed she was going to meet him but she didn’t. She went to her boyfriend’s. Again there was flames of fire. I pulled my gun from under the seat and fired. I shot her. I waited until she was walking to her car and I shot her, six times I shot her and she fell to the ground and I drove off.”
Energy is funny. I mean, the way it flows is strange. You can sense emotions of people even without looking at them. I felt Dr. Realm’s energy. His fear penetrated through my body awakening my senses. “It is now time to leave your hypnotic state.” Dr. Realm’s voice cracked. I am going to count backwards from five to one. You will feel more alert and present with each number I say. You will become aware of your senses.”
But I already was.
Five, four, you are aware of your hands and feet, three, you are more alert, two, you are re-emerging and one, your eyes are open and you are fully present. How do you feel?”
I was speechless.
Dr. Realm raised his eyebrows. His tone became higher just before the end of his sentence, “Do you remember everything you told me?”
I put my hand over my mouth in revulsion and wept for myself. “No. It can’t be true! God. No. No.”
A penny for your thoughts is overrated...
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